Leaving Honduras...

Well, I made it home safe and sound. Mom, John, Randy, and Joy picked me up at the airport last night. I had delays in Atlanta, so got in about an hour or so later than expected. They took me to Olive Garden for dinner, which was very nice. It was about midnight when we got home. Shay waited up to see me and give me a hug, which I thought was also very sweet.

I have to admit that yesterday was an extremely difficult day. It is hard to put all of my feelings and emotions into words, but I am going to try.

When I walked in to see my boss this morning, he mentioned how I came back with all of my body parts in tact. That was kind of a joke before I left – to come back in one piece, etc. Glenda overheard and commented something to the affect that I am all here except for my heart. I told her she was right. My whole heart isn’t here. 

Yesterday was so hard. To say goodbye to Cindy broke my heart. She had refused to say good bye to Kristian the previous day. She didn’t want to say goodbye to me, but I hugged her anyway. As soon as I went to hug her, she threw her head down and began sobbing uncontrollably. I felt horrible, but I had to hug her. I tried to console her, but she wouldn’t even raise her head. She only continued to cry. Finally, Gracie walked in and said we needed to go. I left the room without seeing her face again. I left her crying, and felt terrible for any pain I had caused her.

Karla had begun crying the day before about me leaving. I spent the last half of my visit in her room. I spent my first night in her room with little Joshua, so we could get some rest and so Shari could too. After that night, Shari became ill, so I just spent the remainder of my time in Karla’s room. Karla came into the room on Tuesday evening, when I was packing some. She was already shedding tears. She reached into her bottom dresser drawer and rummaged around for a few moments. Then she came to me with a handful of Honduran coins. I had already showed her the ones I collected and told her that I really liked them. She also had a stash, but wanted me to have many of them. Then she gave me a beautiful egg-shaped figurine with red roses inside. She wanted me to have it. She has such a giving heart. Before that, she gave me a ring and cross necklace that glows in the dark, which I love. I haven’t taken it off. Every night when I go to bed, it reminds me that God’s light shines even in the darkest of places.

The next morning when she knew I was up, Karla came into the room with Alejandro. I gave her my American coins and a cross necklace. The necklace was actually a gift that John had given me to take to Honduras. It had some beautiful words about love and said to sleep with it under your pillow, etc. I had to give her something, so I gave that to her to her to remember me by. Before I knew it, she was crying again. I just held onto her for what seemed like several minutes. I needed to go into the house for something and I also wanted her to come inside so Gracie could translate for us, but she wouldn’t leave the room. I told her I would be back in a minute. When I got back, she was sitting in the comedor with Alejandro in her arms. Fortunately, she wasn’t crying anymore and came into the house with me.

After saying goodbye to Shari, Cindy, Lourdes (Tutti), and the construction workers I knew it was time to go back in and say goodbye to Karla. This is something I had begun to dread over the past couple of days. She knew it was time too. She was holding Alejandro with tears streaming down her face… I went to her, hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, and told her that I loved her very much. Like Cindy, she was inconsolable.

I kneeled down beside her and kept my hand on her knees. At that point, I was crying too. Gracie told her that I would be back. She told her that I would write her and that we could talk on the phone. Nothing stopped her flowing tears. Gracie finally told me that we needed to go. She said that I should keep it short; the longer I stayed to said goodbye, the more painful it would be for her.

I felt like a criminal. First I made Cindy cry and then sweet Karla. These girls have been abandoned, abused, and exploited by family members who didn’t want them. Here I was, coming to love them, yet I was leaving them too. I didn’t want them to think that I was like the others in their lives. I wanted to tell them that I would be back. I think Gracie explained that we were family and that I would definitely be back. Not being able to say it myself due to the language barrier was very difficult though.

After leaving another young girl crying, I headed outside to the truck. I hugged Lee and thanked him for everything. He said to come back any time. Any time we left the house, the dogs would jump up and down and bark as we drove past the front gate of the house. As I rode by them, I rolled the windows down to say bye, but couldn’t even speak. I knew if I opened my mouth that a flood of tears would begin. Gracie asked me if I was okay. I told her that we wouldn’t talk about it (that is what she told me the previous day when Kristian left).

The ride to the airport was a pleasant one, but I was still sad. The ride seemed a little longer than usual. We made a few stops on the way, but got to the airport right one time. After checking my bags, taking a bathroom break, and exchanging currency, we headed upstairs to eat at McDonalds. The airport in Honduras is like the ones in the U.S. used to be. You can go most of the way in with passengers and even watch the planes landing and taking off.

I know it sounds dumb, but eating lunch was hard. McDonalds was my first and last meal there. Throughout the entire meal, I knew I would have to say goodbye to Gracie and Honduras very soon. I was honestly getting sick at my stomach. I don’t think either one of us wanted to say that it was time for me to go through the security check-point, but Gracie finally did.

We stood up and threw away our trash and slowly walked the 30 feet or so to the security check-point that only I could enter.  As we embraced, she told me not to cry. She knows how I hate to cry! How do you not cry though when you’ve grown so attached to someone? Oh me… After going through security, I walked past windows that I knew Gracie would be looking at. I waved as I walked by, but immediately went to the first restroom I saw to compose myself.

After a few minutes in the restroom, I walked to my gate. I sat down. I wanted to read, but couldn’t think or concentrate on anything other than Honduras and my feelings. I thought I would listen to some music. I pulled out my IPod and turned it on. As soon as it powered on, a picture of Karla and Alejandro popped up. I forgot that I set their photo as my wallpaper. I almost lost it again! I had to turn my IPOD off and just sit there with my mind and heart racing as I waited to board the plane.

After a pat down, a flight to Atlanta, long lines for customs and security, and delays in Atlanta, I made it to Huntsville. I was physically and mentally exhausted by the time I got home. I felt very reflective and emotional. My feelings are mixed. I felt sad and disappointed. I felt glad to be in my own bed and glad to see friends and family again. It was definitely nice to take a warm shower this morning. Still, I find myself reflecting… sighing heavily… sometimes reminding myself to breathe. It’s hard to describe…

It is like I’ve been in two different worlds with two completely different realities. As I flew into Huntsville, I looked 10,000 feet below at the thousands of lights on all of the homes and businesses. I thought about Honduras. Many homes don’t have electricity. The ones that do may have a one light bulb in the entire house. If their lucky, they may have a light bulb in each room. It really is two different worlds; one full of wealth, stuff, and people always wanting more. Another, full of people who do not have clothes on their backs, shoes on their feet, or food to feed their children. The complexity of these two realities that exist in the same world is sort of overwhelming. It makes me question why I am so fortunate and why they are not. It makes me wonder what else I can do to help. It deeply saddens me. It also makes me realize how blessed I am and how I’ve done nothing to deserve all of the amazing blessings I’ve received.

I will write more later… Also, I will definitely post lots of pictures after I get them downloaded. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and that everyone has a super blessed 2011.