Only the beginning

Okay, so I’m going to be honest. The last several days have been difficult. Being home in the U.S. after spending two weeks in a third-world country is strange. Life in Honduras is hard and being back here is hard. I’ve heard it be called “reverse-culture shock”. Maybe that’s what it is…

John, Mom, Randy, & Joy took me to Olive Garden the night I got home. I felt like I was there in body, but not really in mind or spirit. I didn’t eat much. I couldn’t. Being home was a celebration to everyone but me. Three appetizers were ordered, as well as a plate for each of us. Don’t get me wrong; there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. After seeing kids eat out of the trash though, and knowing how many go without… It physically nauseated me to look at all of the food before us and know that so many children in Honduras and throughout the world had nothing to eat.

How do you see those things and go on living as you did before? People are telling me that I’ll readjust. People have told me not to feel guilty for all we have. I can’t help it though. I feel horrible. Why me? Why am I blessed with so much, while so many others have so little? Why do I have 12 pairs of shoes and more clothes than I’ll ever wear in the closet while kids around the world don’t have clothes on their backs and shoes on their feet? Why was I born in the U.S. and not them? Why am I blessed with more love than I deserve while children there are being left on the streets? All of these questions and so many more are swirling around in my head. I keep getting the mental image of Kool-Aid. I made Kool-Aid all of the time when I was kid. You would add the sugar and stir. My mind is like all of those sugar particles swirling around in the Kool-Aid after you’ve added water and stirred.

I got into bed after midnight on Wednesday. I returned to work on Thursday morning. Everyone at work was so kind and glad that I was back. I felt a little overwhelmed. I feel undeserving. So many things didn’t hit me until Wednesday and Thursday. Again, I was there in body, but my heart, mind, and spirit weren’t there. It was mentioned that I should have taken a day off to decompress. What an accurate statement! I was flooded with so many feelings and emotions on Wednesday and Thursday. I was also just tired. By Friday, I just wanted to get away from everyone. I know that sounds terrible. I simply needed some time alone to reflect.

With that said, if you called, texted, emailed, or sent me a comment or message on Facebook and didn’t receive a response, I am truly sorry. I felt that I needed to escape, and that is what I tried to do. I rested Friday night and stayed home all day Saturday. After some time of prayer and reflection, God reminded me that I was no good to anyone closed up in my room. So, today I went back to work. I got to talk to Gracie, Karla, and Cindy on the phone. That really cheered me up! After laying down for about an hour, I had a lovely dinner with Randy and Joy. After that, I went to the funeral home to pay respects to a sweet lady in our church. You’ll be missed, Betty!

This may sound strange, but going to that funeral home was just what I needed. I got to see several people from church that I hadn’t seen in 3 weeks. I got some good hugs and very encouraging words. Several people asked about Honduras, and today, I was actually happy to talk about it. Actually, I was blessed to talk about it. I sincerely hope that I was not the only one who was encouraged. I pray that somehow I was and can be an encouragement to others. More than that, I pray that eyes are opened and that others may feel a desire to go help; if not in Honduras, than anywhere. There are needs throughout our community, throughout our county, our state, our country, and throughout the entire world.

Again, if you tried to contact me and didn’t receive a response, I do apologize. It’s difficult to explain all that’s going on with me. It’s hard to make people understand. So far, I’ve been unsuccessful in doing so. I’ve found myself being sad and maybe even a little disappointed. Before the trip, I knew what I was supposed to do. I was meant to go. No if’s, and’s, or but’s. Now the mission is complete and I’m wondering what I’m supposed to do now. Sure, I’m back at work. Yes, school starts back on January 10^th. But now I know there’s more to do. There is more work to be done; here at home and overseas. I know people just think I’ll go back to normal. Some even hoped I’d be done with this crazy overseas mission stuff. Scripture tells me otherwise though. Romans 12:2 says, “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God”. I don’t want to just conform anymore. I’m sure I’ll sort of get back into the routine. Nonetheless, I pray I never completely do. I want to be transformed, and I believe this trip to Honduras was only the beginning.